John Dehlin

John Dehlin is getting a lot of flack for a battle he chose over a small article in a recent Ensign.  I hadn't read the article in full until tonight.  I copied it into a Word document and decided to make notes as a professor or instructor might make notes on a paper or essay you turn in for a class.  I will say this; John Dehlin was much more succinct that I was, even though I was going line by line and stopping to make notes.  I highlighted words or phrases that stood out to me, and some of those I had thoughts on, some I did not.  All in all, I agree with Dehlin that, although not explicit, the article means to imply gods authority is the same as the LDS Priesthood authority.  I feel the notes I make throughout point to and support that overall judgment by Dehlin.  I am only trying to express my feelings of frustration and exasperation that the church I grew up loving and learning from isn't willing to be forthright, upfront and honest.  Instead choosing to treat all its members as immature and incapable of college-level critical thinking, let alone open-mindedness or a number of other graceful and forgiving qualities.

Note: once you click on the google drive linke below, you need to click "Open" (Open with google docs) at the top to see my notes that I made in Microsoft Office Word.
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B-wjni33sDpARjFCaDVpQnpybzA&authuser=0

Doesn't seem like it works unless you request access to the google drive document.  Any ideas on how to upload a word doc with the review notes?

Light BuLb..

The capital L in the title was an attempt to sound like Gronk in Despicable Me.  He gets a great idea in a specific moment where he witnesses something that shows him that great idea.  It isn't so much a great idea moment for me as it is a realization after two or three experiences that lead me to believe this family is extremely non-confrontational.  As I think back, it is more than two or three, it is six or ten.  My family is unwilling to confront specific confrontations and I am not sure how to pinpoint what it is.  It ranges from Andy to Marne' to our mother Cheryl, although, to her credit she did attempt to confront me head on, even though it didn't end productively, as she was reduced to an emotional appeal, and, at the time, that wasn't necessarily an appeal for me.

I just want to know why I - this - is a growing obstacle for everyone.  Why is everyone so...only deal with this as a deflection sort of way?  I suppose I am amazed that it is such a concerted effort, unless it was conspired to be that way, then I suppose I am equally amazed that 4 siblings could conspire in such a way.


I have had such paranoid thoughts for some time but have dismissed them under more rational logic where a concerted effort was not prevailing in evidence.  Over the years, it has shown to be a puzzle in the making, where all the pieces have molded together to create a coherent picture.  This may not all hold true, but to a person living outside of Utah for the last 11 years, it definitely feels true.  This is especially logical given the last dozen or so serious conversations I have had with siblings who have shown their hand and deflected, more or less, to a sense of loyalty to faith before family and chosen not to confront the disconnect that exists between family and faith.  Oh well. Such is life.  You love, you live, you realize your faith and loves don't equate.  You weed out those that aren't up to the task and you move on.  Such is life, such is love.

The state of some things as I see them.

I don't have a systematic way of recording my thoughts, even more so recording my thoughts on this blog for "public" viewing. I think things come to a head inside me and, depending on my emotional state, something gives and I am drawn to blabber away. If my emotional state isn't just right, I put it off, hence the big gaps between rants. First thought: Obama isn't progressive. I have enjoyed him being president, and I have been a general fan since he ran in 2008. Over time I have noticed, in my small, novice, non-political head, that Obama isn't progressive. He is moderate at best and often on the right of center. Don't get me wrong, he was the much better choice in my mind over McCain and Romney. What seems to be wrong is the overall shift in American politics since before Reagan. We have slowly lost truly left politicians in favor of "Democrats" that have adopted a party line down the middle. The few who are left become unpopular and painted as extremists, even though the opposite extreme is living the high life of popularity and infecting everyone else because they are granted a share of the limelight. Obama is a professional politician. There seems to be clear lines between professional politicians and progressives who got voted in to be a politician. Follow-on: Obama gets most push-back because he isn't white. Many get offended by this. I get saddened. Not only do I realize racism is in full-force in this world, but I also realize I am part of it. I grew up with a father that loved and respected black friends and acquaintances while sitting around a campfire with his father laughing at extremely racist jokes they would tell each other. I grew up conservative, in a conservative community, in a conservative state - Utah. I realize not every state is like this, nor every community inside conservative states. Yet, as I reflect on my Mormon bubble that shielded us from not only culture, liberalism and 98% of all the other ethnicities in the world, it also seemed to fair comparatively well to the states that were considered more melting-pot regarding race and ethnicity. It seems that anywhere you go, one may find extreme racism. So, while Barack Obama has adopted a political ideology that 9/10 politicians could agree with, we have a stand-still GOP that curses under their breath ridiculous notions of the White House not their job because heaven forbid they take responsibility for one damn thing. As for conservative ideologies: Both conservatives and progressives or liberals are capable of love. We all love our families and we all love our friends. We all have a degree of faith and we all have dreams of what this world could become. Surprisingly enough, the Utopia, in the end, for both sides looks quite similar and is run in essentially the same way. One key difference that I see in my limited view is the strong after-life notion that drives conservatives. This can negatively affect the here and now. If we have the mentality that all will be fixed after Jesus comes, then we could potentially regard the here and now as second priority. "God will fix this mess, there's not point in trying to tackle something that is out of our hands." Furthermore, we integrate the false idea of destiny. Somehow we back-date everyone's ultimate choices to some concept of foreordination or predestination. This further embeds this idea that the here and now cannot be helped, so we put it in the hands of a superior being, along with any responsibility. This mentality drives almost everything else: We don't need to reverse negative effects on the planet. We don't need to give so-called handouts to the desolate, hungry and needy. We don't need to wean ourselves off of oil for the multiple reasons cited such as war, destroying the planet, the economy, etc. Furthermore, our founding fathers overcame extreme adversity, and as God-believing white men, set the foundations for the greatest political system on earth, never to be destroyed again, inspired only by God to be the last standing system to ultimately rule the whole universe. Because of that, manifest destiny charges to shove our form of democracy down everyone else's throat, because, well, us, and furthermore, well they are inferior to us. That is all for now.

Hashtag Noah Hashtag Personal Agenda

The new Noah movie has brought some thoughts to the forefront I wanted to "write" down. Regarding hashtags: Atheism does not equal pro-evolution or pro-science; Christian does not equal creationism, anti-evolution or anti-science; Communist does not equal anti-Christian. The Bible isn't owned by the conservatives; The Bible therefore isn't married to one interpretation. I really hate how someone posts something showing their stance on an issue and puts associates incorrect hashtags. I suppose I should be used to the uneducated media world I live in. Regarding the movie "Noah": My first thought about how so many are so offended: "Oh no! A motion picture artist interpreted a story in the Bible that was made up by a bunch of Jewish religious authors hundreds of years after the fact using mostly oral history to base it on if anything!" Then I think, "Wait, why are we so worried? Will Darren Aronofsky's version become the replacement? Will a new generation know nothing else, and believing the story as literal take our great Christian heritage to the grave?" Then I think, "Was there anything like this when Broadway reinterpreted Victor Hugo's entire book? Because arguably, Hugo's entire book has influenced the world comparative to the couple chapters involving Noah from the Bible." Just so we are clear (because clearly the world revolves around me and I know so many people lose sleep at night not knowing exactly what ideas I enjoy being associated with): Putting #atheism on any pro-science or pro-evolution post that I enjoy reading is offensive to me. Putting #Christian on any ultra-conservative post that pushes an agenda that isn't even remotely associated to the Bible or Jesus is very offensive. Your ignorance is offensive to me as a human.

Amazing, dumbfounding, ashamed

So I recently decided to create an account/profile on Linkedin.com. I filled in my job history, I connected to more than I expected to and I joined some groups that I consider myself to be a part of: U.S. Air Force, Satellite type groups, a USAF Armament group, etc. A few days ago a fellow member of the USAF group posted a link to a news story about Kadena AFB hosting a drag event on the base. The news article gave a fairly neutral reporting on it, although sounded optimistic as so much of the community came out in support of the event. http://theweek.com/article/index/257285/speedreads-gay-and-lesbian-troops-perform-in-drag-on-american-military-base The gentleman posting the thread titled the thread "LOL!" and went on in no uncertain terms that he did not approve of the lifestyle and thought that the military and its leaders are going downhill because of the new policy. I decided to disagree. One by one, other group members came on and proceeded to tell me how their experience in the military, coupled with their knowledge of God's intentions and desires and plans, coupled with age-old rants and prejudices and abuses against the LGBT community was proof that the LGBT community in general was wrong and that the leaders of the nation and our Department of Defense were also wrong, and that I was also wrong and I was being intolerant and hateful toward those that disagreed with me. I am here now writing because I find it very hard personally to fight an uneven fight with people that I find to be irrational. I am also here wishing to convey something else. I find that a certain type of mindset not only espouses this hatred and intolerance but also engenders it. A subset of this certain type of mindset is louder than any other subset, however many there may be. This subset makes me embarassed for the entire mindset. Each subset represents the whole in a small part, even though many, either participating in the mindset or outside of it knows that there is a distinction. Nevertheless, embarassment is a huge emotion I battle with when it comes to identifying with this mindset. In reality, this subset of this mindset (I know, I could use better words or a better structure here) is so loud and so popular within the mindset as a whole that it is hard for many to correctly find distinct lines for other subsets to lay claim to. Because of this, I have largely disconnected myself from the mindset. I know a fundamental aspect of the mindset is that it is a personal, individual mindset. Yes, there are huge aspect that involve relationships and being involved in the mindset community as a whole, but one big aspect of identifying with the mindset is that you deal with fundamental aspects of it on a personal level. I realize this. I have not yet thrown that to the wayside. Yet, it has become much more personal and much less public. I find the embarassment of associating with the mindset in general isn't worth it. This is what I see. This is what I hear from the world. This is, sadly my state: I don't endure certain fights very long before I wave the white flag, fully realizing white flags will largely be ignored.

Reality Check

Every once in awhile when I post something on G+ or Facebook and express outrage over something someone said or did and how ignorant or profoundly oppressive/hateful/etc. it was, I, on occassion will get a reply back to the effect of, "calm down, this person is the exception. Nobody really believes that way," or something to that effect (like I said pre-quote :)). This immediately gives me pause. On one hand, am I going overboard when I share something outrageous and expect people to learn from it? Am I being "had" on the theory that all the back-and-forth between politicians, all the attention-getting quotes that sound so ridiculous - all of that is just for show? Is the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report with Steven Colbert two money making, grammy winning shows for nothing? What of this theory? What is the point? It is either to divide the country or something else that I am not seeing. I understand that on some level a politician is a politician. I also understand that after the great liberal movements between 1960 and 1990, liberalism in America has gone from a popular caludron of boiling water to a small flask of tepid water. In that perspective, politicians likely won't get elected if they lean too far to the left. As a matter of fact, the POTUSs have leaned right ever since I was born in 1980 (I don't care to go further back, but I would venture to guess it reaches to a couple presidents more). I imagine it is similar regarding Sentors and Representatives, maybe not 100% though. So why do I post my outrage? Maybe because I experience ignorance almost daily. Maybe because I have encountered people embracing these extreme ideas and embracing those that boldly pronounce them as truth. Maybe I have a shot at helping one or two people realize that intolerance and hate has no place in our world. Poverty and class warfare is unneeded and unnecessary. Keep in mind one other thought. Because liberalism has been relegated to an unpopular corner in America with extremely little limelight, the "left" in the media is in all actuality the "middle." What is known today as a leftist politician and policymaker is actually not left at all, and what is known as a politician on the right is one who is pretty far right. What used to be known as the political spectrum has been narrowed down to the right side of the political spectrum and even the bottom of the right side has been largely silenced or deemed unpopular. We are dealing with an idealogically upper-right country with a world that is leaning more and more to that same quadrant. So when I post my angst/outrage over what I deem ridiculous, it's not just because I deem it unworthy of consideration. It is also due to the fact that the world is more and more leaning dangerously off balance and I don't think that is a good idea. We give these morons a microphone and a stage, see what crazy stuff they say, and then talk about it. Fine. Give morons from all 4 extremes from the full political spectrum a microphone so we can discuss how ridiculous they ALL are and realize that dead center, or at least aiming for the 9/10 radial bullseye is what we should all be aiming for.

Wha?

        This month I took a step back from an institution I grew up with.  The last few years have been rough as they haven't been able to keep the "fine print" at the bottom of the contract hidden, so to speak.  Its hard when that fine print is merely a bunch of vague references that don't even adhere to an academic reference system of any sort.  What's even worse is that the contract and the references are contradictory in nature.  While the contract is years and years long, it may reference something in one chapter, only to have in contradicted in another.  Now before you jump at the chance of thinking you know what I am talking about, let me stop you.
        Corporative and bureaucratic in nature, this institution waves a flag of righteous superiority at the top, while allowing any number of different colors to wave below on their chain, claiming no endorsement to any such differing culture and washing their hands as they refer you to their more "official" flag.  Yet, what goes on behind the scenes is anyone's guess.  The finances, decision-making, corporate restructuring, elections of officials, policy changes and elitism is determined behind closed doors.  As with all of their flag waving, they preach that any "policy changes" given to the top tier is available to every person in the corporation who is willing to receive them.
        What is equally appalling is that the members of this corporation rarely look at the fine print, even though the reference system is quickly deciphered.  One reason for this is the nature of the contract.  This corporations contract is like that trust account set up in your name at your birth by a relative only to have it handed over to you when you are off to college or about to get married.

"Surprise! Here is a wonderful gift of $63.00! I invested $50.00 twenty years ago in a savings account, and now you have $13.00 more, isn't it great?!"

        All kidding aside, the gift is sweet, but you are nonetheless caught off guard that you had a bank account in your name set up years ago and you now have three years of accounting experience that make your knuckles white upon hearing this "good news."  Yeah, this contract is similar to that.  One way the contract differs from a bank account with three or so lost years is that it is life-long and unchangeable.  If you want to break the contract you can, through a lot of red tape (it is a bureaucracy after all), heartache and ostracism, as it is elitist and therefore, breaking contract is turning your back on your once elite status and on the elitists that once embraced you.

       So from this perspective alone, one can maybe see why it is such a big deal.  Looking at my analogy now, I see that I misspoke.  The contract has parts.  As you show your loyalty and willingness on the corporate ladder, as with any institution, one is able to climb that ladder.  Every rung, so to speak, brings an appendix to your existing contract and a smaller, more elite group of individuals.  So each rungs' contract is unchangeable and life-long, implying that, as a whole, the contract is unchangeable. It is a little easier to renege on an appendix rather than the entire contract.  Clear as mud?  Also let's be clear about something: I am making all this stuff up on the fly.

I want my daddy.

Why do humans long for the smiling face and happy memory of those close to us that are gone? Why do I dream of my father, where we are as we used to be, living out a familiar scene, set in our familiar ways, going about our familiar business?  My emotional state spits in my "secular" face, telling me that it refuses to lay to to rest my daddy who ceased to be my daddy back in 2008...long before November.  Yet, why do I long for his smiling, lucid, coherent consciousness?  Why do I not replace him with my ten-year old, or my newborn? Does his memory mean something more than nostalgia?  How do I reconcile Agnosticism with the religious culture I grew up with?  Where is that happy medium?  I want god to be a factor in my life - whether neutral, negative or positive - but as a human, being told to rely on strict obedience and the "Holy Ghost" among a dozen other organized religious factors, I cannot hope among all possible dreams, to be able to be worthy of what this mormon culture expects me to be, to be able to receive coherent communication from some supernatural source as to navigate this telestial realm god has placed me inside of.  So my question remains:  why do I long for the smiling, familiar embodiment of my father, who is over five years past?  Why can I not watch a movie where the theme of mortality exists and the memory of my father does not?  I remain a tortured soul, damned in mortality to live out these temporal days longing for temporal things.  Longing for long lost dreams, as if they would cure my present demons, when it reality, they would only side with those once familiar faces, now alienated by reason and logic.  How can one live in a world encouraged to embrace both the illogical and logical.  Both reason and irrational?  Ultimately, the loudest, yet most magnetizing voice wins the day and I sit here with the same question I started with: Why do I long for the memory of my smiling, lucid father?