So the last paragraph is what I want to focus on from my last post. If the information you have been given from someone 'close' to you seems like it should be shared for whatever reason, I would think the first reaction would be to get permission. Is this not normal? If I was asked to keep certain information away from specific persons, yet I felt those specific persons would want to know or my confidant would benefit from those specific persons knowing, then my first reaction would be to talk to the person who shared the information with me and asked me to keep their trust. If, when talking to them I was still asked to not share the information, then I would urge them to tell those specific persons, reasoning that it would benefit all parties involved. THIS IS WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO!
My gut reaction right now is to close myself off. I have had a few too many negative experiences sharing my life with certain people and I am tired. I'm tired of being criticized and treated like I can't make my own decisions. It's time to limit my life to who I know are my real friends. Thanks to those who tempt me into looking at family relationships with cynics eyes and a cynics heart.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Saddening
It's been awhile since I last wrote on here. One big reason is because I got rid of the internet connection in my house. Sarah has her smart phone, but I have to go somewhere to have a connection and it's usually not for blogging. Many things are happening in our lives and I'm not sure I want to talk about any of them. Something happened over the summer that allows me to make a decision to 'let go' of the negative actions against me or to make a certain decision to not trust certain people anymore with much of what goes on in my life. If someone entrusted me with information, then found out I couldn't be trusted I would not have the greatest of feelings of myself. It was a simple enough of a task, yet, the end result was indeed not something I wanted. It's sad, really. I am one that needs to include others in certain circles for it helps me wade through this life and all that gets thrown at me. I don't consider it necessarily something I do for shock effect. I may have done that in the past, but I quickly realized making big decisions doesn't equate to basing those decisions off of how others will react.
Anyhow, I just wanted to write down some initial thoughts on it and put it out there for almost nobody to read. Trust is a big thing in relationships. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, maintaining trust is important. If you have a problem keeping your confidence, talk to the person you are maintaining it for, don't go running your diarrhea mouth to others.
Anyhow, I just wanted to write down some initial thoughts on it and put it out there for almost nobody to read. Trust is a big thing in relationships. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are, maintaining trust is important. If you have a problem keeping your confidence, talk to the person you are maintaining it for, don't go running your diarrhea mouth to others.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Follow up to Millennial Star comments
So one of the main contributors over at Millennialstar.org quickly posted today about how their blog is a place for "believing members", implying right off the bat that everyone who gets moderated is not a believing member. There was no effort to clarify this either, it was only supported throughout the arrogant, pompous justification of a post. The post also went on to mention how merely following the guidelines for commenting won't guarantee your comment being posted. So the guidelines put a line in the sand, distinguishing two sides. What they don't tell you (until now) that there is an infinitesimally large grey area separating the two sides where moderators can arbitrarily delete your comment, depending on subjective bias. If they don't agree with you, no warning, you aren't participating.
So I get it. This is a blog owned by fundamentalists where they like to gather and congratulate each other on blind rule following, paying minimal fast offerings and reading scriptures off their ipads. Fine.
What I don't agree with is the facade or front they put in place claiming to be open-minded and seeking out the conversations about concepts and ideas that have room for discussion in the church. They set up the game, tell everyone the rules, then bust out the secret code that nobody else knows about and play by their own rule book while everyone else is not only in the dark, but usually falls victim individually, like a 3-legged fawn surrounded by large, hungry lions.
MillennialStar, and many others deserve to be shunned. Their moderators, authors, etc. play an unfair game to make themselves feel better about their belief system. They are a poison and their superficial knowledge of selective topics is sickening as they boast of themselves and flaunt a "deeper knowledge" through serious scholasticism, only to find that what they truly have is a rudimentary knowledge of selective apologetics.
So I get it. This is a blog owned by fundamentalists where they like to gather and congratulate each other on blind rule following, paying minimal fast offerings and reading scriptures off their ipads. Fine.
What I don't agree with is the facade or front they put in place claiming to be open-minded and seeking out the conversations about concepts and ideas that have room for discussion in the church. They set up the game, tell everyone the rules, then bust out the secret code that nobody else knows about and play by their own rule book while everyone else is not only in the dark, but usually falls victim individually, like a 3-legged fawn surrounded by large, hungry lions.
MillennialStar, and many others deserve to be shunned. Their moderators, authors, etc. play an unfair game to make themselves feel better about their belief system. They are a poison and their superficial knowledge of selective topics is sickening as they boast of themselves and flaunt a "deeper knowledge" through serious scholasticism, only to find that what they truly have is a rudimentary knowledge of selective apologetics.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Prominent July 2012 Thoughts
I think being passionate about anything is a sign that I'm not yet within the grips of depression.
That being said, I am not sure how long I can stay positive about my current situation. It is nibbling away at me slowly, day by day.
To get my mind off things, it helps for me to exercise. I did the Pikes Peak Hillclimb last week and it felt great...until I got home.
I went out and did a ride from Aspen, Colorado to Independence Pass. Two hour drive one way, the climb, spent some time at the top, the descent, then a two hour drive back home. I enjoyed the majority of that day...until I got home.
In similar fashion to my world crashing down on my in 2010, I have taken on an attitude of fixing myself so that I may not lose those I love most. I am much more alone this time. I listen to the thick silence in my house. I try and avoid it, but it doesn't matter how long I leave or occupy my mind. One minute of the unusual silence is long enough to make null and void any attempt to distract myself from it.
This isn't like being at Tech. School, or being deployed or going to Basic Training. I had purpose there, I was where I was supposed to be, and my family was anxiously awaiting my completion.
SIDENOTE:
Before I forget. I have been following a post over on Millennial Star where Geoff B. is an active participant (I talked about him before in a blog post and how his intolerance of others drives people away).
Today, attempting to participate in this particular blogpost, I was, without warning, moderated of all commenting. They would not post my comments at all, nor would they email me explaining why. Geoff B. in my opinion is a poison. His smug arrogance and closed-mindedness is shown in his hand time and time again. He drives people away from having a good discussion where differing opinions meet head on, yet mutually strive for a deeper level of understanding. Geoff B. epitomizes what is wrong with "fundamentalists" and their agenda to silence and kill all who think for themselves, think outside the box, and simply ask "Why?".
I discourage anyone to participate in any of the blogs he actively participates in.
This is my passion for the day, specifically the passion of anger toward another digital personality.
END SIDENOTE
Anyway.
I met with Scott Andrews this last week. He wants to meet weekly for now. He is the Lifestar counselor. I enjoyed the first meeting, but it was mostly my back story. We have yet to see the "meat and potatoes" type of sessions before he gets a good grasp of who I am and where I am.
Him and exercise are really the only good things going for me right now. Everything else is just noise. I interact with plenty of people, but at the end of the day, it ends up being just noise. Nothing really matters to me if I have to come home to an empty house. I know what some of you may think as well. This is part of the process. I have to realize what I had before I can enjoy them as a blessing again. I don't know how I feel about that sentiment.
Also, leaving me alone to figure things out, not to mention taking my children away from me without good reason is not something I necessarily agree with. I love my children and all parties involved know I love my children. I think not seeing them for any period of time that is abnormal is horrendous if my military duty is not getting in the way. I just need THAT sentiment to be public.
It has been really hard for me to embrace the "suspect only" role, while others play "victim only". I realize the overall picture. I get it. But to establish a baseline that I don't agree with, and try and build off of it will only come back to haunt us all. Why do you remember only the hurtful things I say in the heat of the moment? Why can't you remember some of the things I say that make me vulnerable, ready to let you in completely, only to have that moment ignored? Why do you embrace the victim role so willingly and easily? Sometimes I think it is what you want; for me to be the monster so that you can have decisions made for you.
Why does this happen? Why is it 2012 and only now are professionals wrapping their heads around this problem that has been plaguing society since societies began? Why is my life the way it is? Why do my last energies, before I allow depression to wrap around me, focus on these themes?
That being said, I am not sure how long I can stay positive about my current situation. It is nibbling away at me slowly, day by day.
To get my mind off things, it helps for me to exercise. I did the Pikes Peak Hillclimb last week and it felt great...until I got home.
I went out and did a ride from Aspen, Colorado to Independence Pass. Two hour drive one way, the climb, spent some time at the top, the descent, then a two hour drive back home. I enjoyed the majority of that day...until I got home.
In similar fashion to my world crashing down on my in 2010, I have taken on an attitude of fixing myself so that I may not lose those I love most. I am much more alone this time. I listen to the thick silence in my house. I try and avoid it, but it doesn't matter how long I leave or occupy my mind. One minute of the unusual silence is long enough to make null and void any attempt to distract myself from it.
This isn't like being at Tech. School, or being deployed or going to Basic Training. I had purpose there, I was where I was supposed to be, and my family was anxiously awaiting my completion.
SIDENOTE:
Before I forget. I have been following a post over on Millennial Star where Geoff B. is an active participant (I talked about him before in a blog post and how his intolerance of others drives people away).
Today, attempting to participate in this particular blogpost, I was, without warning, moderated of all commenting. They would not post my comments at all, nor would they email me explaining why. Geoff B. in my opinion is a poison. His smug arrogance and closed-mindedness is shown in his hand time and time again. He drives people away from having a good discussion where differing opinions meet head on, yet mutually strive for a deeper level of understanding. Geoff B. epitomizes what is wrong with "fundamentalists" and their agenda to silence and kill all who think for themselves, think outside the box, and simply ask "Why?".
I discourage anyone to participate in any of the blogs he actively participates in.
This is my passion for the day, specifically the passion of anger toward another digital personality.
END SIDENOTE
Anyway.
I met with Scott Andrews this last week. He wants to meet weekly for now. He is the Lifestar counselor. I enjoyed the first meeting, but it was mostly my back story. We have yet to see the "meat and potatoes" type of sessions before he gets a good grasp of who I am and where I am.
Him and exercise are really the only good things going for me right now. Everything else is just noise. I interact with plenty of people, but at the end of the day, it ends up being just noise. Nothing really matters to me if I have to come home to an empty house. I know what some of you may think as well. This is part of the process. I have to realize what I had before I can enjoy them as a blessing again. I don't know how I feel about that sentiment.
Also, leaving me alone to figure things out, not to mention taking my children away from me without good reason is not something I necessarily agree with. I love my children and all parties involved know I love my children. I think not seeing them for any period of time that is abnormal is horrendous if my military duty is not getting in the way. I just need THAT sentiment to be public.
It has been really hard for me to embrace the "suspect only" role, while others play "victim only". I realize the overall picture. I get it. But to establish a baseline that I don't agree with, and try and build off of it will only come back to haunt us all. Why do you remember only the hurtful things I say in the heat of the moment? Why can't you remember some of the things I say that make me vulnerable, ready to let you in completely, only to have that moment ignored? Why do you embrace the victim role so willingly and easily? Sometimes I think it is what you want; for me to be the monster so that you can have decisions made for you.
Why does this happen? Why is it 2012 and only now are professionals wrapping their heads around this problem that has been plaguing society since societies began? Why is my life the way it is? Why do my last energies, before I allow depression to wrap around me, focus on these themes?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Before I forget
I really wanted to write all my thoughts down from my conversation with Andy before I would forget much of them. For some reason, I felt a lot of resolve and determination from talking to him, even while at the same time feeling overwhelming hopelessness. Andy would start talking about a topic and end up talking about one topic for 30 minutes, maybe more, always remembering to get to a point. I found much validity in my intellectual endeavors as well as my emotional train-wreck within my older brother. I felt, through talking and mostly listening to him, that everything my life is, even though much of it is swallowed up in guilt and regret, was validated. Someone validated my life.
Something else I realized - more remembered - while listening to Andy. One big thing has eluded me my whole life: The Atonement. Now before we move on, I would like to say that intellectually I have studied it plenty. This one gospel topic is more important than any other when it comes to application though. I also want to say that the Atonement is applied to us whether we seek it or not. On that level, I concede the point that the atonement hasn't eluded me. In retrospect, I have not done my part as much as I should have in seeking to apply it through the proper channels. Because of this, I feel hopeless.
I really wanted to just record our conversation. Andy went through so many gospel principles and talked about them so concisely that I felt we were taking a tour of the Grand Canyon from the top, stopping at principles along the edge, peering over to see the depth and how it is connected to all the other principles in the gospel, then we would move on.
It's funny, he called me after a meeting to tell me about the meeting. I was getting ready to go find a new bottle of wine to try. I ended up not going and rather coming up with one resolution to not drink alcohol anymore. We didn't even specifically talk about me drinking alcohol. I also resolved to not drink coffee or tea any longer. Andy and I talked about the evolution of the Word of Wisdom and he agreed with me, giving me validity, that D&C 89 isn't physically a code of health. He agreed with me that alcohol, coffee and tea are actually healthy, with coffee much healthier than caffeinated soda. This was just one example (albeit a bigger one) that gave me what I needed. I needed to hear it from a close friend, a family member and a faithful, active Mormon. I don't get that. I have separated myself from family and I think it has been more detrimental than I realize.
Andy also spoke of Dad in new light. Andy went to Dad often with questions and Dad got him through many things. In one way, I wish Andy would have shared that with me at the time. I will never forget a Priesthood meeting where our Stake President - Roger Fluhman - encouraged us to go to our fathers with whatever was bothering us. Open up to him, talk to him, let him know what is on your mind. After that, I was never closer to letting my Dad share the weight of my porn addiction. Maybe if I had known about Andy's experience, I may have closed that last bit of hesitation. I don't see reason behind everything that happens in our lives. Right now I refuse to admit that there was a reason for my porn problem, and that there was a reason I never went to my Dad. These and dozens of other moments in my life I would not hesitate to go back and change. Of course, I don't need to find reasons for life events before I can find more room in my life for the Atonement.
Another validity was the thinking side of me. I always knew Andy did thinking similar to me. We had many of the same experiences coming across things either in Church history, Christianity, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, etc. where what we read was equivalent to someone pulling the testimonial rug out from under us, but there was no floor under the rug. We fell. We fell in a hole. We would figure out somehow that the rug we were standing on wasn't worth its weight and find other rugs to stand on, only to have those pulled out as well. We have both gone through many of the same rugs, always learning, always somehow figuring out how to climb back up.
All in all, I suppose his phone call was what I needed. I still don't know what will happen to my marriage. I don't know how long it will be before my life is something I am happy with. We all have to take it one step at a time though, right? I also regret joining the military. I have enjoyed the experience, but I think it has had a great negative impact on my life, and that of my family.
Something else I realized - more remembered - while listening to Andy. One big thing has eluded me my whole life: The Atonement. Now before we move on, I would like to say that intellectually I have studied it plenty. This one gospel topic is more important than any other when it comes to application though. I also want to say that the Atonement is applied to us whether we seek it or not. On that level, I concede the point that the atonement hasn't eluded me. In retrospect, I have not done my part as much as I should have in seeking to apply it through the proper channels. Because of this, I feel hopeless.
I really wanted to just record our conversation. Andy went through so many gospel principles and talked about them so concisely that I felt we were taking a tour of the Grand Canyon from the top, stopping at principles along the edge, peering over to see the depth and how it is connected to all the other principles in the gospel, then we would move on.
It's funny, he called me after a meeting to tell me about the meeting. I was getting ready to go find a new bottle of wine to try. I ended up not going and rather coming up with one resolution to not drink alcohol anymore. We didn't even specifically talk about me drinking alcohol. I also resolved to not drink coffee or tea any longer. Andy and I talked about the evolution of the Word of Wisdom and he agreed with me, giving me validity, that D&C 89 isn't physically a code of health. He agreed with me that alcohol, coffee and tea are actually healthy, with coffee much healthier than caffeinated soda. This was just one example (albeit a bigger one) that gave me what I needed. I needed to hear it from a close friend, a family member and a faithful, active Mormon. I don't get that. I have separated myself from family and I think it has been more detrimental than I realize.
Andy also spoke of Dad in new light. Andy went to Dad often with questions and Dad got him through many things. In one way, I wish Andy would have shared that with me at the time. I will never forget a Priesthood meeting where our Stake President - Roger Fluhman - encouraged us to go to our fathers with whatever was bothering us. Open up to him, talk to him, let him know what is on your mind. After that, I was never closer to letting my Dad share the weight of my porn addiction. Maybe if I had known about Andy's experience, I may have closed that last bit of hesitation. I don't see reason behind everything that happens in our lives. Right now I refuse to admit that there was a reason for my porn problem, and that there was a reason I never went to my Dad. These and dozens of other moments in my life I would not hesitate to go back and change. Of course, I don't need to find reasons for life events before I can find more room in my life for the Atonement.
Another validity was the thinking side of me. I always knew Andy did thinking similar to me. We had many of the same experiences coming across things either in Church history, Christianity, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, etc. where what we read was equivalent to someone pulling the testimonial rug out from under us, but there was no floor under the rug. We fell. We fell in a hole. We would figure out somehow that the rug we were standing on wasn't worth its weight and find other rugs to stand on, only to have those pulled out as well. We have both gone through many of the same rugs, always learning, always somehow figuring out how to climb back up.
All in all, I suppose his phone call was what I needed. I still don't know what will happen to my marriage. I don't know how long it will be before my life is something I am happy with. We all have to take it one step at a time though, right? I also regret joining the military. I have enjoyed the experience, but I think it has had a great negative impact on my life, and that of my family.
Monday, June 25, 2012
What has happened?
Many thoughts run through my head tonight. One of these included the back-and-forth on whether I should even write. For the longest time, writing helped, I thought. Then I looked back and wondered how. I have a journal, I have blog posts and I still write many thoughts down on paper or on a word document. Then my thoughts trail off and I don't find any progress or productivity in my back-and-forthing on writing. My thoughts go back to what I was thinking about before writing. Why did I want to write? Oh yeah, Sarah wants out. She isn't happy. I was working on things for the last two years. I have become less angry. I yell a lot less. I have cut down the pornography significantly. I even worked hard enough to get a temple recommend back. I go to church. I even wear "churchy" attire. I have "explored" the alcohol world a bit, but I don't "go out drinking". I spend time with the family, I go on dates with Sarah, I continue to do the things I don't really enjoy and I support her in those things she desires to do. Yet, she has come to wits end. She is less happy now than ever and its all directed toward me. It's not like I'm not trying. I used to not be able to sit through one of her many confrontational conversations. I would raise my voice AND walk out. Then we were able to have them where I would raise my voice OR walk out. Recently we have been able to have these conversations where I do neither. Admittedly, I will grow quiet, directing the conversation to an end, but who doesn't look at this as steps in the right direction?
Other thoughts I have: Much more real views of the future that would never happen: Sarah and I split. It was quite depressing. I thought about how I felt without seeing my children for six months while I deployed. It killed me some nights. I hurt. I would wimper in bed like a big baby. How could she do this to me? Why can she not be happy? What have I done that is so horrible? Where does she get this vision of what is supposed to be and why does she think she is living a life that is so bad? These aren't just passing questions, I really want to know. How am I so different from my brothers, or Sarah's sisters' husbands? What was instilled in Sarah and when that she deserves better than what I am today or what I have been for the last ten years? What?!
Am I lying to myself? Is all this a big lie? Am I blind to a big truth about this life I have created? If so, why hasn't anybody else said anything? Why is no one else privy to this big secret that I am a disappointment of a husband AND a father? I seriously want someone to answer these questions. This is my marriage we are talking about. I have built a life with five other people and now Sarah wants to end it.
Another chain of thoughts: Sarah says everyone is worried about me. When she says this it is specific to the faithful LDS people, and it is specific to those that actually care about me within that first parameter. That said, they are specifically worried about my testimony. One finds out I drink brewed alcohol and the occasional wine and that translates into, not only am I a sinner and lost, but I am a bad person. Drinking is inherent to bad. Choose your flavor: abusive, unfaithful, self-destructive, etc. One cannot simply drink to the average mormon. You are doing something else as well. If you disagree YOU are now lying to YOURSELF. Besides that. There are books I choose to read. There wasn't a difference in my choices in books from 5 or so years ago, yet, everyone is suddenly concerned about the literature I pick up and read. I'm not preaching or teaching like they are MY adopted doctrine. If someone asks, I explain the author's point of view. Yet, suddenly, my soul is lost because it isn't what they hear in Sunday school. There's another thought: I don't necessarily care for the majority of the three-hour block mormons call church. Why? Because I have to sit there and NOT share my opinions and ingest what many call doctrine, but what I hear as core principles covered to death in right-wing ideals. NO, NOT POLITICALLY. Some people can get it through their heads that the right-left spectrum in religion has very little to do with the right-left spectrum in politics, yet they try and correct me. Shut up! There is no room for any leftist ideas or ideals in church. That died with Joseph. B.H. Roberts was shut up, and any other rumblings were quickly quieted or ignored, soon to be thought of as someone with other serious issues going on in their life as an explanation.
What the hell? What is wrong with me? I can't seek out those things that interest me? I can't disagree with everyone else? Why does everyone think that a book preys on the reader unawares? What is it about a work of literature, bundled up and sold with a cover that is either pure evil, or not? I cannot judge for myself? I can't read a book, compare it to what I know (we'll get to what I know) and be able to make a decision without the devil convincing me otherwise? Forget you.
So. Everyone has spiritual experiences. Everyone. Whether it is admitted or not. Sometimes these are overly emotional and your feelings get in the way. Some people think that that is just overly spiritual. There is a difference between the spirit and your emotions. Not everyone serves a mission for two years. I didn't. I served a really good 8-14 months. I horsed around, I was lazy, I read a lot of hugh nibley and I worked my ass off for 8-14 months. During my hard work time, I had some spiritual experiences that were really strong. I dare say that if Warren had any while out, he either let them fade or blatantly threw them to the wayside. I will never forget the strong experiences that happened in a very short period, and I will never forget the companions I had that showed me the spirit in subtle ways, day in and day out for months. Never. Those things cannot and will not be taken away from me. I may forget them from time to time, but they will always be a part of who I am.
Remember this. When one worries that I am being sucked in to what they judge to be a bad book; when one worries that the devil is in the bottle of beer I am drinking and it will never get out of me once I drink it. Whenever one thinks they know better than me what is good for me at this time in my life, IN MY OPINION, you are spitting on all of me. All of me includes those sacred spiritual experiences I have had. Think about how you would feel if I did that to you. I just one day told you that your spiritual experiences mean nothing. Go ahead, laugh in my face, because that is what I feel like doing to everyone that likes to judge. Forget you. I can for at least a day, maybe two.
You know what I think? I think culture and propriety and half-truths and corporatism and institutionalism has done a complete mind-FU#* to us for the past 120 years. No, its not all about Joseph Smith and how we lost so much when he died. No, its not all about one thing or another. It's also not about religion. A huge chunk of it IS, but its not just about mormonism. I literally feel sick when i watch Fox news at work. I also can only digest a certain amount of MSNBC. Obama isn't perfect, but Fox and their friends are so sickening it almost makes me cry. Richard Dawkins is a complete moron, as well as Bill Mahr. There are so many utter and complete failures as human beings out there its not even funny. Ignorance is becoming the flavor in culture on all sides. Nobody wants to listen to you if you have much more than superficial knowledge about something.
The now bishop was elder's quorum president when I moved in. Someone felt the need to inform him of what was on my bookshelf and the bishop really felt the need to tell me that this was out of loving concern for my welfare. Really? Would I do that? Which books were they? I could go through a really big list of books that they could have easily been. Books that were at least available to Joseph Smith, historical pieces about Adolf Hitler or Marx or Charles Darwin. Heaven forbid we list books from authors not of our faith that write about Christianity. Heaven forbid we even glance at a book unless it is fiction and fills our heads with vampires and love interests and gives us ideas of escapism. We KNOW those aren't really. Those won't harm us the way non-fiction books will. Non-fiction books you put down after page one if you don't feel good about it. You wouldn't read the whole thing, otherwise you believe it, much less have it on your book shelf at home! Forget you.
It may sound like I am pointing outwardly and blaming everyone else for the position I am in today. This is called venting. It may be truthful thoughts of mine, yet they don't give the whole story do they? Only I know the whole story. Sarah confronts me because she wants more of the story. She always does it in a way that makes me feel like I am being put on trial. I never feel good when we talk and she has all this crap she wants to get off her chest about me. I usually end up looking at porn, drinking a bit and trying to forget everything she has piled on me. A few weeks go by and she tries it again. Different angles, different trajectories. She gathers more and different ammunition. I never feel good after our talks, she is never satisfied. What happened, really? Where is all the sin in my life to make me such a bad person for Sarah? Why does all this have to be about how my testimony doesn't line up with Nate Lincoln's or Peter Priesthood?
Other thoughts I have: Much more real views of the future that would never happen: Sarah and I split. It was quite depressing. I thought about how I felt without seeing my children for six months while I deployed. It killed me some nights. I hurt. I would wimper in bed like a big baby. How could she do this to me? Why can she not be happy? What have I done that is so horrible? Where does she get this vision of what is supposed to be and why does she think she is living a life that is so bad? These aren't just passing questions, I really want to know. How am I so different from my brothers, or Sarah's sisters' husbands? What was instilled in Sarah and when that she deserves better than what I am today or what I have been for the last ten years? What?!
Am I lying to myself? Is all this a big lie? Am I blind to a big truth about this life I have created? If so, why hasn't anybody else said anything? Why is no one else privy to this big secret that I am a disappointment of a husband AND a father? I seriously want someone to answer these questions. This is my marriage we are talking about. I have built a life with five other people and now Sarah wants to end it.
Another chain of thoughts: Sarah says everyone is worried about me. When she says this it is specific to the faithful LDS people, and it is specific to those that actually care about me within that first parameter. That said, they are specifically worried about my testimony. One finds out I drink brewed alcohol and the occasional wine and that translates into, not only am I a sinner and lost, but I am a bad person. Drinking is inherent to bad. Choose your flavor: abusive, unfaithful, self-destructive, etc. One cannot simply drink to the average mormon. You are doing something else as well. If you disagree YOU are now lying to YOURSELF. Besides that. There are books I choose to read. There wasn't a difference in my choices in books from 5 or so years ago, yet, everyone is suddenly concerned about the literature I pick up and read. I'm not preaching or teaching like they are MY adopted doctrine. If someone asks, I explain the author's point of view. Yet, suddenly, my soul is lost because it isn't what they hear in Sunday school. There's another thought: I don't necessarily care for the majority of the three-hour block mormons call church. Why? Because I have to sit there and NOT share my opinions and ingest what many call doctrine, but what I hear as core principles covered to death in right-wing ideals. NO, NOT POLITICALLY. Some people can get it through their heads that the right-left spectrum in religion has very little to do with the right-left spectrum in politics, yet they try and correct me. Shut up! There is no room for any leftist ideas or ideals in church. That died with Joseph. B.H. Roberts was shut up, and any other rumblings were quickly quieted or ignored, soon to be thought of as someone with other serious issues going on in their life as an explanation.
What the hell? What is wrong with me? I can't seek out those things that interest me? I can't disagree with everyone else? Why does everyone think that a book preys on the reader unawares? What is it about a work of literature, bundled up and sold with a cover that is either pure evil, or not? I cannot judge for myself? I can't read a book, compare it to what I know (we'll get to what I know) and be able to make a decision without the devil convincing me otherwise? Forget you.
So. Everyone has spiritual experiences. Everyone. Whether it is admitted or not. Sometimes these are overly emotional and your feelings get in the way. Some people think that that is just overly spiritual. There is a difference between the spirit and your emotions. Not everyone serves a mission for two years. I didn't. I served a really good 8-14 months. I horsed around, I was lazy, I read a lot of hugh nibley and I worked my ass off for 8-14 months. During my hard work time, I had some spiritual experiences that were really strong. I dare say that if Warren had any while out, he either let them fade or blatantly threw them to the wayside. I will never forget the strong experiences that happened in a very short period, and I will never forget the companions I had that showed me the spirit in subtle ways, day in and day out for months. Never. Those things cannot and will not be taken away from me. I may forget them from time to time, but they will always be a part of who I am.
Remember this. When one worries that I am being sucked in to what they judge to be a bad book; when one worries that the devil is in the bottle of beer I am drinking and it will never get out of me once I drink it. Whenever one thinks they know better than me what is good for me at this time in my life, IN MY OPINION, you are spitting on all of me. All of me includes those sacred spiritual experiences I have had. Think about how you would feel if I did that to you. I just one day told you that your spiritual experiences mean nothing. Go ahead, laugh in my face, because that is what I feel like doing to everyone that likes to judge. Forget you. I can for at least a day, maybe two.
You know what I think? I think culture and propriety and half-truths and corporatism and institutionalism has done a complete mind-FU#* to us for the past 120 years. No, its not all about Joseph Smith and how we lost so much when he died. No, its not all about one thing or another. It's also not about religion. A huge chunk of it IS, but its not just about mormonism. I literally feel sick when i watch Fox news at work. I also can only digest a certain amount of MSNBC. Obama isn't perfect, but Fox and their friends are so sickening it almost makes me cry. Richard Dawkins is a complete moron, as well as Bill Mahr. There are so many utter and complete failures as human beings out there its not even funny. Ignorance is becoming the flavor in culture on all sides. Nobody wants to listen to you if you have much more than superficial knowledge about something.
The now bishop was elder's quorum president when I moved in. Someone felt the need to inform him of what was on my bookshelf and the bishop really felt the need to tell me that this was out of loving concern for my welfare. Really? Would I do that? Which books were they? I could go through a really big list of books that they could have easily been. Books that were at least available to Joseph Smith, historical pieces about Adolf Hitler or Marx or Charles Darwin. Heaven forbid we list books from authors not of our faith that write about Christianity. Heaven forbid we even glance at a book unless it is fiction and fills our heads with vampires and love interests and gives us ideas of escapism. We KNOW those aren't really. Those won't harm us the way non-fiction books will. Non-fiction books you put down after page one if you don't feel good about it. You wouldn't read the whole thing, otherwise you believe it, much less have it on your book shelf at home! Forget you.
It may sound like I am pointing outwardly and blaming everyone else for the position I am in today. This is called venting. It may be truthful thoughts of mine, yet they don't give the whole story do they? Only I know the whole story. Sarah confronts me because she wants more of the story. She always does it in a way that makes me feel like I am being put on trial. I never feel good when we talk and she has all this crap she wants to get off her chest about me. I usually end up looking at porn, drinking a bit and trying to forget everything she has piled on me. A few weeks go by and she tries it again. Different angles, different trajectories. She gathers more and different ammunition. I never feel good after our talks, she is never satisfied. What happened, really? Where is all the sin in my life to make me such a bad person for Sarah? Why does all this have to be about how my testimony doesn't line up with Nate Lincoln's or Peter Priesthood?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Could alcohol "save" a life?
I recently shared a link on facebook that talks about the history of the Word of Wisdom and how it became an unofficial commandment and even a prerequisite for the temple, no less poorly interpreted. Before we get into this, I would like to point out that many readers will disagree with my premise. There is a strong belief out there that when one dies, it is when God 'calls' them home. Some may articulate the detail that one must be 'obedient' or else you could leave this mortal life early. In other words, your life is protected until it is time for you to go, unless you are 'sinning' and putting your life in jeopardy, then it is all bets off. This concept I disregard for this exploration in fringe mormon thought (although I could say I disregard it completely, but lets leave that for another day).
So back to alcohol. lets begin with me being a fan of the concept of moderation in all things. The majority of us are big fans of this concept taken to its extreme. Many antibodies are merely weakened forms of the viruses you are immunizing against. Once this 'moderate' dose gives its training to your white blood cells, your body becomes stronger, even more ready for a 'real' attack. Moderation should be applied to all facets of life. For the average person, moderating your time spent in most activities gives you time for a well-balanced life. Moderating your nutritional intake will keep you from getting sick or malnutritioned. Moderating your budget will keep you from spending too much on one thing or blowing your money. The list goes on.
Let me be clear at this juncture. This post is not an argument or rationale for alcohol for the greater mormon populace. I am not voicing my opinion to try and persuade anyone to start, continue or agree with me.
So after reading the article I thought to myself, "I bet dad would have benefited from drinking a beer or two in a week". This is mere speculation, just like what mormons do all the time to justify all sorts of things. Yet, giving dad the benefit of the doubt, I think he would have moderated his drinking like millions of Americans do every week. With the benefits reaped from moderating your mild alcohol drinks, one can see a big reduction in stress, thus 'dealing' with the weight of the world on your shoulders that many men burden themselves with, along with all that that entails.
What I didn't really realize is all the startup companies that started in Utah in the genre of breweries when the Saints arrived in the valley. I think of all the breweries dotting the state of Colorado and how many of them are fantastic at what they do, what a shame it is that Utah was deprived of this.
Anyway, my general thought process is that much of Utah could benefit from a beer now and again for the benefits it offers. Reduced stress immediately and long term are the main ones I like to focus on. Nutritionally, I can't argue for its benefits because you can get any nutritional benefit from no less than a half dozen sources. Yet, take pharmaceuticals and alcohol out of the picture and what stress relievers do you have left? Those that are in use, a very small percentage. When I think of my dad, I also think of the social benefit to drinking a cold one. Dad was a raging social retard. I don't presume to know all that went on in his head, but mom knew him with his inhibitions lowered, and I think 12oz. of brewed, malted barley and hops would've lowered his guard just enough to allow him to socialize at a healthy level.
Also, I actually think how nice it could have been to enjoy a cold one with my dad and brothers. My siblings are bad enough without alcohol, I smile to think what would have been with my dad and family with that extra factor in play. There were plenty of times I saw either 'stress fractures' behind his eyes, or the stress building up and showing its ugly head through anger and rage. I knew it all too well, especially after growing up and experiencing it myself. Men who face their responsibilities and aren't the best at hopping, skipping and jumping over it shouldn't be punished by letting it crush them under the insurmountable weight.
So it is, a case for beer, at least in speculation. That way, one cannot do anything but speculate back :)
So back to alcohol. lets begin with me being a fan of the concept of moderation in all things. The majority of us are big fans of this concept taken to its extreme. Many antibodies are merely weakened forms of the viruses you are immunizing against. Once this 'moderate' dose gives its training to your white blood cells, your body becomes stronger, even more ready for a 'real' attack. Moderation should be applied to all facets of life. For the average person, moderating your time spent in most activities gives you time for a well-balanced life. Moderating your nutritional intake will keep you from getting sick or malnutritioned. Moderating your budget will keep you from spending too much on one thing or blowing your money. The list goes on.
Let me be clear at this juncture. This post is not an argument or rationale for alcohol for the greater mormon populace. I am not voicing my opinion to try and persuade anyone to start, continue or agree with me.
So after reading the article I thought to myself, "I bet dad would have benefited from drinking a beer or two in a week". This is mere speculation, just like what mormons do all the time to justify all sorts of things. Yet, giving dad the benefit of the doubt, I think he would have moderated his drinking like millions of Americans do every week. With the benefits reaped from moderating your mild alcohol drinks, one can see a big reduction in stress, thus 'dealing' with the weight of the world on your shoulders that many men burden themselves with, along with all that that entails.
What I didn't really realize is all the startup companies that started in Utah in the genre of breweries when the Saints arrived in the valley. I think of all the breweries dotting the state of Colorado and how many of them are fantastic at what they do, what a shame it is that Utah was deprived of this.
Anyway, my general thought process is that much of Utah could benefit from a beer now and again for the benefits it offers. Reduced stress immediately and long term are the main ones I like to focus on. Nutritionally, I can't argue for its benefits because you can get any nutritional benefit from no less than a half dozen sources. Yet, take pharmaceuticals and alcohol out of the picture and what stress relievers do you have left? Those that are in use, a very small percentage. When I think of my dad, I also think of the social benefit to drinking a cold one. Dad was a raging social retard. I don't presume to know all that went on in his head, but mom knew him with his inhibitions lowered, and I think 12oz. of brewed, malted barley and hops would've lowered his guard just enough to allow him to socialize at a healthy level.
Also, I actually think how nice it could have been to enjoy a cold one with my dad and brothers. My siblings are bad enough without alcohol, I smile to think what would have been with my dad and family with that extra factor in play. There were plenty of times I saw either 'stress fractures' behind his eyes, or the stress building up and showing its ugly head through anger and rage. I knew it all too well, especially after growing up and experiencing it myself. Men who face their responsibilities and aren't the best at hopping, skipping and jumping over it shouldn't be punished by letting it crush them under the insurmountable weight.
So it is, a case for beer, at least in speculation. That way, one cannot do anything but speculate back :)
Sunday, February 12, 2012
St. Darwin and St. Valentine
Firstly: Happy Birthday Charles Darwin, today.
Secondly: I love my wife dearly and love to "celebrate" our love around Valentine's Day,
But to heck with St. Valentine and the coupling we have made between him and our love for our spouses.
Secondly: I love my wife dearly and love to "celebrate" our love around Valentine's Day,
But to heck with St. Valentine and the coupling we have made between him and our love for our spouses.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Gross Human Condition
So what is it with people today? First off, when one is reading a post, the writer is usually writing in such a way as to make the reader comfortable that the writer isn't talking to them. I hope I don't come off that way. The people I wish to address very well may be not only readers like you, but it may be you specifically.
Back to the original question. Why are the majority of Christians defaulted to hateful? The Judeo-Christian God from Holy writ is equally just as he is merciful, yet our human scope seems a few colors off, no? When someone wrongs a child, he deserves the same fate as Hitler or Judas Iscariot or Cain from Cain and Abel lore. Yet when a loved one dies, as long as they lived a life less evil than those listed above, then mercy takes hold. What happened to the beautiful doctrine of degrees of glory? Also, what happened to our view of that? Even if one utilizes it, that human scope is still a few colors off! As it stands, one can argue two ways for sons of perdition: 1. Eventually the creations that are cast into outer darkness have an end purpose in God.
2. Those creations in outer darkness are forever lost and so is the creation by the hand of God.
Number one can be argued to have justice and mercy met.
Number two cannot.
So what is your problem? Why the extremes? Every mormon funeral talks about how that person is in the Celestial Kingdom, or going there, while every newsworthy scumbag is destined for eternal fire and brimstone, even though we know nothing more than the page of journalism on their crimes. We know nothing of their personal torment, nor their side of the story. All we want is to comfort ourselves. We have our martyrs and heroes on one side and our villains and criminals on the other. Our heroes, for the most part, agreed with our sense of morality and judgment, while the one act that landed the criminals in jail, or ended in their death, their ideals and morals are realized in that single point of failure.
Not only is this the furthest thing from being Christlike, it is very far from the truth as well. The one mortal that was put on the earth worthy of judging others, was never so harsh as the insignificant followers of his that claim to know so much about Jesus and how they have been saved by grace. The only time you speak of that grace is for yourself. Nobody else deserves that grace unless they go to your church. Joseph Smith taught a principle of gradations in glory. Why does that offend? What is wrong with partaking in an infinite Atonement? Apparently Christians suck at math because if you, needing the obvious huge chunk of grace that you talk about so much, take away, say a whopping 10% of the grace available, what is 10% of infinity? I don't know, infinity maybe? By the way, if you not only deserve but need 10%, you are not only full of yourself, but you are also a very lost cause.
So hold on to your precious extremism. Hold on to your Jesus that neither agrees with you or fits into your constrictive mold. I will follow the Jesus of the New Testament who loved all and spent his time with the sinners. Not the sick and afflicted only as the hospital analogy will have you picture (and help you sleep at night), but the sinners. Mary Magdalene was sexually loose before Jesus met her. Transients and Homeless are usually not "sick" in our eyes but rather have other problems pertaining to sin, otherwise why can't they hold a job or mend ties with family? It must be that way, otherwise how do we comfort ourselves?
Back to the original question. Why are the majority of Christians defaulted to hateful? The Judeo-Christian God from Holy writ is equally just as he is merciful, yet our human scope seems a few colors off, no? When someone wrongs a child, he deserves the same fate as Hitler or Judas Iscariot or Cain from Cain and Abel lore. Yet when a loved one dies, as long as they lived a life less evil than those listed above, then mercy takes hold. What happened to the beautiful doctrine of degrees of glory? Also, what happened to our view of that? Even if one utilizes it, that human scope is still a few colors off! As it stands, one can argue two ways for sons of perdition: 1. Eventually the creations that are cast into outer darkness have an end purpose in God.
2. Those creations in outer darkness are forever lost and so is the creation by the hand of God.
Number one can be argued to have justice and mercy met.
Number two cannot.
So what is your problem? Why the extremes? Every mormon funeral talks about how that person is in the Celestial Kingdom, or going there, while every newsworthy scumbag is destined for eternal fire and brimstone, even though we know nothing more than the page of journalism on their crimes. We know nothing of their personal torment, nor their side of the story. All we want is to comfort ourselves. We have our martyrs and heroes on one side and our villains and criminals on the other. Our heroes, for the most part, agreed with our sense of morality and judgment, while the one act that landed the criminals in jail, or ended in their death, their ideals and morals are realized in that single point of failure.
Not only is this the furthest thing from being Christlike, it is very far from the truth as well. The one mortal that was put on the earth worthy of judging others, was never so harsh as the insignificant followers of his that claim to know so much about Jesus and how they have been saved by grace. The only time you speak of that grace is for yourself. Nobody else deserves that grace unless they go to your church. Joseph Smith taught a principle of gradations in glory. Why does that offend? What is wrong with partaking in an infinite Atonement? Apparently Christians suck at math because if you, needing the obvious huge chunk of grace that you talk about so much, take away, say a whopping 10% of the grace available, what is 10% of infinity? I don't know, infinity maybe? By the way, if you not only deserve but need 10%, you are not only full of yourself, but you are also a very lost cause.
So hold on to your precious extremism. Hold on to your Jesus that neither agrees with you or fits into your constrictive mold. I will follow the Jesus of the New Testament who loved all and spent his time with the sinners. Not the sick and afflicted only as the hospital analogy will have you picture (and help you sleep at night), but the sinners. Mary Magdalene was sexually loose before Jesus met her. Transients and Homeless are usually not "sick" in our eyes but rather have other problems pertaining to sin, otherwise why can't they hold a job or mend ties with family? It must be that way, otherwise how do we comfort ourselves?
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