Prominent July 2012 Thoughts

I think being passionate about anything is a sign that I'm not yet within the grips of depression.

That being said, I am not sure how long I can stay positive about my current situation.  It is nibbling away at me slowly, day by day.

To get my mind off things, it helps for me to exercise.  I did the Pikes Peak Hillclimb last week and it felt great...until I got home.

I went out and did a ride from Aspen, Colorado to Independence Pass.  Two hour drive one way, the climb, spent some time at the top, the descent, then a two hour drive back home.  I enjoyed the majority of that day...until I got home.

In similar fashion to my world crashing down on my in 2010, I have taken on an attitude of fixing myself so that I may not lose those I love most.  I am much more alone this time.  I listen to the thick silence in my house.  I try and avoid it, but it doesn't matter how long I leave or occupy my mind.  One minute of the unusual silence is long enough to make null and void any attempt to distract myself from it.

This isn't like being at Tech. School, or being deployed or going to Basic Training.  I had purpose there, I was where I was supposed to be, and my family was anxiously awaiting my completion.

SIDENOTE:
Before I forget.  I have been following a post over on Millennial Star where Geoff B. is an active participant (I talked about him before in a blog post and how his intolerance of others drives people away).
Today, attempting to participate in this particular blogpost, I was, without warning, moderated of all commenting.  They would not post my comments at all, nor would they email me explaining why.  Geoff B. in my opinion is a poison.  His smug arrogance and closed-mindedness is shown in his hand time and time again.  He drives people away from having a good discussion where differing opinions meet head on, yet mutually strive for a deeper level of understanding.  Geoff B. epitomizes what is wrong with "fundamentalists" and their agenda to silence and kill all who think for themselves, think outside the box, and simply ask "Why?".
I discourage anyone to participate in any of the blogs he actively participates in.
This is my passion for the day, specifically the passion of anger toward another digital personality.
END SIDENOTE

Anyway.
I met with Scott Andrews this last week.  He wants to meet weekly for now.  He is the Lifestar counselor.  I enjoyed the first meeting, but it was mostly my back story.  We have yet to see the "meat and potatoes" type of sessions before he gets a good grasp of who I am and where I am.

Him and exercise are really the only good things going for me right now.  Everything else is just noise.  I interact with plenty of people, but at the end of the day, it ends up being just noise.  Nothing really matters to me if I have to come home to an empty house.  I know what some of you may think as well.  This is part of the process.  I have to realize what I had before I can enjoy them as a blessing again.  I don't know how I feel about that sentiment.

Also, leaving me alone to figure things out, not to mention taking my children away from me without good reason is not something I necessarily agree with.  I love my children and all parties involved know I love my children.  I think not seeing them for any period of time that is abnormal is horrendous if my military duty is not getting in the way.  I just need THAT sentiment to be public.

It has been really hard for me to embrace the "suspect only" role, while others play "victim only".  I realize the overall picture. I get it.  But to establish a baseline that I don't agree with, and try and build off of it will only come back to haunt us all.  Why do you remember only the hurtful things I say in the heat of the moment?  Why can't you remember some of the things I say that make me vulnerable, ready to let you in completely, only to have that moment ignored?  Why do you embrace the victim role so willingly and easily?  Sometimes I think it is what you want; for me to be the monster so that you can have decisions made for you.

Why does this happen?  Why is it 2012 and only now are professionals wrapping their heads around this problem that has been plaguing society since societies began?  Why is my life the way it is?  Why do my last energies, before I allow depression to wrap around me, focus on these themes?