Before I forget

I really wanted to write all my thoughts down from my conversation with Andy before I would forget much of them.  For some reason, I felt a lot of resolve and determination from talking to him, even while at the same time feeling overwhelming hopelessness.  Andy would start talking about a topic and end up talking about one topic for 30 minutes, maybe more, always remembering to get to a point.  I found much validity in my intellectual endeavors as well as my emotional train-wreck within my older brother.  I felt, through talking and mostly listening to him, that everything my life is, even though much of it is swallowed up in guilt and regret, was validated.  Someone validated my life.

Something else I realized - more remembered - while listening to Andy.  One big thing has eluded me my whole life: The Atonement.  Now before we move on, I would like to say that intellectually I have studied it plenty.  This one gospel topic is more important than any other when it comes to application though.  I also want to say that the Atonement is applied to us whether we seek it or not.  On that level, I concede the point that the atonement hasn't eluded me.  In retrospect, I have not done my part as much as I should have in seeking to apply it through the proper channels.  Because of this, I feel hopeless.

I really wanted to just record our conversation.  Andy went through so many gospel principles and talked about them so concisely that I felt we were taking a tour of the Grand Canyon from the top, stopping at principles along the edge, peering over to see the depth and how it is connected to all the other principles in the gospel, then we would move on.

It's funny, he called me after a meeting to tell me about the meeting.  I was getting ready to go find a new bottle of wine to try.  I ended up not going and rather coming up with one resolution to not drink alcohol anymore.  We didn't even specifically talk about me drinking alcohol.  I also resolved to not drink coffee or tea any longer.  Andy and I talked about the evolution of the Word of Wisdom and he agreed with me, giving me validity, that D&C 89 isn't physically a code of health.  He agreed with me that alcohol, coffee and tea are actually healthy, with coffee much healthier than caffeinated soda.  This was just one example (albeit a bigger one) that gave me what I needed.  I needed to hear it from a close friend, a family member and a faithful, active Mormon.  I don't get that.  I have separated myself from family and I think it has been more detrimental than I realize.

Andy also spoke of Dad in new light.  Andy went to Dad often with questions and Dad got him through many things.  In one way, I wish Andy would have shared that with me at the time.  I will never forget a Priesthood meeting where our Stake President - Roger Fluhman - encouraged us to go to our fathers with whatever was bothering us.  Open up to him, talk to him, let him know what is on your mind.  After that, I was never closer to letting my Dad share the weight of my porn addiction.  Maybe if I had known about Andy's experience, I may have closed that last bit of hesitation.  I don't see reason behind everything that happens in our lives.  Right now I refuse to admit that there was a reason for my porn problem, and that there was a reason I never went to my Dad.  These and dozens of other moments in my life I would not hesitate to go back and change.  Of course, I don't need to find reasons for life events before I can find more room in my life for the Atonement.

Another validity was the thinking side of me.  I always knew Andy did thinking similar to me.  We had many of the same experiences coming across things either in Church history, Christianity, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, etc. where what we read was equivalent to someone pulling the testimonial rug out from under us, but there was no floor under the rug.  We fell.  We fell in a hole.  We would figure out somehow that the rug we were standing on wasn't worth its weight and find other rugs to stand on, only to have those pulled out as well.  We have both gone through many of the same rugs, always learning, always somehow figuring out how to climb back up.

All in all, I suppose his phone call was what I needed.  I still don't know what will happen to my marriage.  I don't know how long it will be before my life is something I am happy with.  We all have to take it one step at a time though, right?  I also regret joining the military.  I have enjoyed the experience, but I think it has had a great negative impact on my life, and that of my family.