Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Recently, Jeffrey R. Holland of the LDS quorum of the twelve apostles spoke at a coalition on pornography after Utah was the first state to officially label it a public health crisis on March 11 of this year (http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865649944/Elder-Holland-speaks-at-the-Utah-Coalition-Against-Pornography-conference-The-Plague-of.html?pg=all ).

Before I grace the world with my infinite wisdom, I want to be clear about a couple things.  Firstly, I welcome rational thought from others that will enhance the conversation of something that tends to lean more on cultural bias rather than science and human nature.  We will be doing nobody any good if we feed into extreme thinking on something like pornography.
Secondly, even though it may not seem like it, I try to only use my blog for subjects that are important to me. I try not to use it to incite emotion or grandstand, or rub anything in anyone's face. I hope to never come across that way.

I want to talk about Jeffrey Holland because of some specifics about porn use, the adult industry and religion that largely go unaddressed. Let's get the easy stuff out of the way first. Pornography isn't full of rainbows and unicorns (unless you have a unicorn fetish, I suppose).  The adult industry doesn't necessarily treat their "actors" like a Hollywood A-list celebrity.  Often times, they risk disease, abuse and hostile work environments.  Working with the government, one option responsible humans have is to regulate it, much like we do anything else (more on this later, as religion oftentimes ignores this reality beyond grandstanding against it with broad strokes).

The other "damage" porn has the potential to do (again, not necessarily), is replace a real relationship.  Like anything else in this world, overconsumption will have negative effects.  If I over-consume water, I run the risk of  water intoxication or even hyponatremia. Yes, death by drinking water.  Of course that is an extreme and rare example, but it stands as an example: humans can overdo almost anything.  We have Darwin Award winners that prove this.  Unlike water though, pornography overconsumption may go unnoticed.  If an individual prefers porn over connecting to other humans close to them on a regular basis, those close to that person will notice.

Okay, got through the easy stuff.  I recently became more educated on the Mormon Mental Health Association (MMHA)(www.mormonmentalhealthassoc.org ), which came out and said,

"We have done our research, let our members vote, and taken the following position over at the Mormon Mental Health Association. I am continually concerned at how many people consider themselves sex addicts when in reality what they are dealing with is an inability to adhere to fairly rigid religious standards for sexuality. There is a difference between unwanted sexual behavior due to religious beliefs and out-of-control sexual behavior. And both of those are still not "addiction."

"The MMHA has taken a long time to carefully review and put forth a position on the terms "sex and porn addiction." The MMHA is concerned that due to religious bias, the Mormon population is at higher risk to engage with treatment by practitioners/clinics/programs that is not evidence-based nor best-practice when it comes to dealing with unwanted or out-of-control sexual behavior. This position was put forth for a membership vote and was accepted by over 90% of the membership. The MMHA recognizes that there are many relationships where some sort of sexual betrayal can lead to immense pain and distress. This position is not about minimizing that pain. At the same time, the MMHA wants to be a resource to help LDS/Mormon members find adequate, accurate, helpful and best-practice approaches when dealing with these types of problems."

My personal experience can testify to this.  I have put enough distance between myself and the "rigid religious standards" to know.  This is where I wish I was the god of articulation.  This is a control tactic used by religion.  They identify a sin, then impose shame and guilt for those who partake, then offer holiness or cleanliness in exchange for your loyalty and contrition.  If you find yourself in this vicious cycle, you are not in full control of your mental, emotional and spiritual well-being. 

Let's use Jeffry Holland as an example.  In his address on March 12, He offers an acronym for those "struggling."  FAST stands for flee, ask, strive and triumph.  In his remarks, you find exactly the type of rhetoric that you would expect: it is sin, stop sinning, ask God to help make you clean again, and keep relying on God against this sin your entire life (return customers), then trust in us (religious leaders) to give you your only hope.  It is as plain as the nose on your face what tactics are being used.  This is damaging, oppressive rhetoric that keeps the "faithful" docile and submissive.  

The other thing about Holland's talk is the fact he really isn't concerned about possible damage porn is doing.  His only concern is clearly conveying the need of the faithful to submit to their control.  He doesn't address actual public health, such as possible negative effects on the actors of the adult industry.  He doesn't show concern that we as a society may not be supportive enough of those actual humans that are possibly being exploited.  He doesn't talk about love, and he only mentions mercy and grace once in general terms and only between the sinner and "the Almighty."  He could have easily mentioned it without strong control rhetoric.  He could have easily empathized but did not.

Because religious leaders utilize strong rhetoric like this, and because they place a heavy burden of guilt and shame on the "faithful,"  they hold a large responsibility for the "problem," or health crisis they are identifying.  There very well may be a "health crisis" in Utah, but it is due in large part to religious rhetoric that forces regular sexual humans to try and do something completely unrrealistic.  When they give it an honest try, most of them find themselves compulsively viewing porn until it permeates every facet of their life.  It becomes unhealthy because it has now been incorporated into the guilt/shame, repentance cycle, to which there is no escaping.  Leaders like Jeff Holland know they are culpable.  They know full well the responsibility they should be taking in all this.  Instead, they sit back and let their war machine run while they enjoy a return on their investment.

Mormon Sexuality Crisis

There are many topics that Mormonism "infects" that I can get passionate about.  This one hits deeply and personally.  I don't link to other sites or articles pretty much anytime, but this one had many of my own thoughts strewn throughout and I only got through the original post and the first comment.

https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/489rt4/the_straight_male_mormon_sexuality_crisis/

Utah has declared pornography a public health crisis.

Simply put: Mormonism has created this crisis.

Sexual repression is at the core of modern Mormonism.  The above reddit thread is a direct representation of me (possibly without a few sidenotes, such as the current porn users becoming the next generation of bishops and other leaders).

There is absolutely nothing wrong with embracing one's sexuality.  Absolutely nothing.  The article linked above focuses on hetero males, but I think it is relevant to everyone.  It may be more relevant to males because males may be more inclined to express their sexuality more intensely and earlier on.
What the "morg" has chosen to identify as a "crisis" is about 180 degrees off course.  It chooses to deflect responsibility and also chooses to lay the blame solely on outside, "evil" forces that seek to upend the work of their God.

I humbly disagree.  While pornography may have the potential to negatively affect relationships, the majority of users don't allow it to do so.  In fact, I posit that only sexually repressed users allow it to consume their lives.  How do they get to that point? Read the linked thread.  There is a religious, authoritarian cycle that keeps them controlled. Because many porn users aren't suppressed by an authoritarian, religious regime, they don't find it to be their only sexual outlet.  Because porn isn't their only outlet, they don't find porn to control their lives.

It is truly saddening that I found myself caught up in this suppression.  I liken it to having Mormon leadership put their polished, leather dress shoe on my head, while my head lays on the corner of a curb and I lay there grimacing for relief.  My only relief would be at the mercy of the leadership.  That is no way to live.

I realize this isn't everyone's experience.  I realize many are capable of suppressing their sexuality and avoiding expressing it normally.  It isn't an absolute.  I will concede that point only to caveat it with the fact that a healthy male does express it.  A healthy male expresses and explores and releases their sexuality during and throughout maturation and beyond.  As TBM parents, you are continuing the cycle.  As TBMs, you are heeding the counsel of ignorance.  You are heeding the counsel of many men likely to have gone through what your teenage boy is going through.

Of course there are boundaries.  I don't expect a "True Blue Mormon," or "True Believing Mormon" to allow their 14 year-old to go have sex on their first date, especially when Mormons don't date until they're 16 (ugh).  Yet, maybe (and I am preaching to myself here, its new ground for me too) we allow our kids to be kids.  Teach them to be safe.  Teach them where real danger lies, i.e., STDs, teen pregnancy... I know, I made a big leap.  Maybe we could meet in the middle.  Education is important, but I know what you are thinking: Educating my teenagers implicates me.  Now they can read between the lines: "If mom/dad thinks it is necessary to  teach me about condoms, does that mean they expect me to use them?"  Silly parent, only suppressed teenagers think this way.

Suicide

Suicide is a very sensitive topic for many, and there is a huge spectrum of subtopics, reasons, philosophy, personal experiences and opinion that shape this conversation for good or for bad.  I want to put some of my own thoughts down and I want to make sure they are conveyed as personal opinion.
I recently saw a facebook post in a support group that I read only 2 or 3 minutes after it was posted.  It was a reaction to another member's post that was brief, but indicated it was one of their last acts while alive.
Immediately, we see multiple facets that play into this topic: Did this person post to reach out?  Did this person merely want to say goodbye?  Not sure what other actions were involved with the person, but they used facebook.  They likely knew the proximity of facebook friends that may or may not be local.  Did that factor into their plan?
Going back to the second post, there were already a few comments, as the second post was asking for the person's phone number.  It didn't take long for someone to forcefully tell the poster to call the police.  Nobody was able to get a hold of the person that indicated suicide, so the facebook community that was quickly growing was mostly just waiting in high anxiety for any news.  If I were to guess, I would ballpark the friend request figure from that hour for this person to be in the hundreds.
Regardless of their intentions, the fact is that they communicated thoughts of suicide to friends and acquaintances before acting upon it makes this conversation turn drastically.  If they had not, we would be talking about how horrible it was that they took their life and didn't reach out to anyone.  People closest would be most affected.  They may question themselves, wondering if they could have done more.  They may replay recent conversations they had with this individual over and over in their heads, beating themselves up for not being more intimate and empathetic to them.

This person reached out.  From all indications, it looks as if reaching out ultimately saved their life.  Police found them and took them to a safe place.

Many emotions play with a person that is suicidal. One aftermath emotion may be anger.  Anger it didn't work. Anger someone cared enough, so it might invalidate other thoughts like, "Nobody cares."  Anger at self for wanting death.  Anger at close friends who didn't see the signs that may have been too subtle. There is a plethora of emotions.  This one just may be a little more difficult to handle, as suicidal thoughts often point to emotional imbalance which implies possible lashing out with personal attacks.  When death has become the only option, being nice to anyone may not be a consideration.

I find the philosophy behind suicide fascinating.  As humans, we are social animals and we bond with those around us.  However competent and inclined a person may be to be social or open up emotionally to others, we all still need to connect to other humans at some level.  When we bond, we find it hard to let go.  We have developed trust in the person we bond with and we emotionally connect.  We sympathize and grow to empathize with them.  They can eventually become part of you.  You think about them when you are apart.  Death marks the end for everyone.  It hurts when a loved one dies.  We even see it in other animal species.  Our bond was symbiotic and not it is only one-sided.  We cannot communicate on any level, we cannot be intimate on any level.  All our emotion that wants to unload on our loved one needs to get out of us, but it has nowhere to go. It hurts. It is painful. It is agonizing.

This is why suicide is nearly 100% negative in our minds.  We see not only a huge loss to loved ones, we also rationalize that it isn't the answer that that person is looking for.  We rationalize that life sucks, but it gets better.  This is where I find it hard to articulate my thoughts.  Suicidal thoughts tend to be selfish.  A person wants release from pain.  They can't handle whatever is going on in their lives, they may think very little of themselves and wish to take themselves out of others' lives.  They often are thinking very unclearly.

But why isn't it the best answer for that person?  Why is our answer, "life gets better."  Does it always get better?  We don't know that.  Just because someone feels death is the only answer left doesn't mean life gets better.  Lets take a less-desirable circumstance as an example.  A child is raped by their most trusted adult in their life for over a decade and their second-most trusted adult allows it to happen.  As a teenager, this person's spirit is finally broken and they muster up enough courage to attempt suicide.  They fail and get outside help.  Part of their therapy is this notion that life gets better.  They spend their life in therapy, have huge trust issues, have a hard time connecting to anyone other than on a superficial level, may have addictive behaviors and even find themselves in trouble with the law.  Their life still sucks.  They were convinced it gets better but it hasn't.  They are miserable and may be full of hate.  Ultimately, the people that saved this person as a teenager, has helped create a monster.

This is only an example.  It probably doesn't happen in the extremes like that very often.  But it is a believable story pointing to the argument that life doesn't always get better.  We don't know if it will get better.  We only hope it will.  We want that person to stick around and be in our lives, no matter how hard it is for them.  Even though we can do little to make their lives better, we hope they can see our side of things so that we don't have to deal with the loss and all its ramifications.  We also believe sticking around to see if life gets better is worth the risk.  With the finality of death, you know for certain that life will not get better or worse.

Even with "right to die" being very controversial, I hate to even mention the possibility of the human race allowing loved ones the option of suicide.  I can see myself being in favor of humane practices like allowing doctors and patients the "right to die" under certain circumstances, but I'm not sure I would be ok with the concept of having a loved one know the intentions of one who is suicidal and not only not doing anything about it, but even encouraging that person to do what they feel is best.

Regardless of the best options, I'd like to think that typing out my thoughts help me evolve to eventually arrive at the most emotionally mature place I could be.  I think talking about it as frankly as possible and validating all human emotion regarding it is healthy and should be encouraged.