So one of the main contributors over at Millennialstar.org quickly posted today about how their blog is a place for "believing members", implying right off the bat that everyone who gets moderated is not a believing member. There was no effort to clarify this either, it was only supported throughout the arrogant, pompous justification of a post. The post also went on to mention how merely following the guidelines for commenting won't guarantee your comment being posted. So the guidelines put a line in the sand, distinguishing two sides. What they don't tell you (until now) that there is an infinitesimally large grey area separating the two sides where moderators can arbitrarily delete your comment, depending on subjective bias. If they don't agree with you, no warning, you aren't participating.
So I get it. This is a blog owned by fundamentalists where they like to gather and congratulate each other on blind rule following, paying minimal fast offerings and reading scriptures off their ipads. Fine.
What I don't agree with is the facade or front they put in place claiming to be open-minded and seeking out the conversations about concepts and ideas that have room for discussion in the church. They set up the game, tell everyone the rules, then bust out the secret code that nobody else knows about and play by their own rule book while everyone else is not only in the dark, but usually falls victim individually, like a 3-legged fawn surrounded by large, hungry lions.
MillennialStar, and many others deserve to be shunned. Their moderators, authors, etc. play an unfair game to make themselves feel better about their belief system. They are a poison and their superficial knowledge of selective topics is sickening as they boast of themselves and flaunt a "deeper knowledge" through serious scholasticism, only to find that what they truly have is a rudimentary knowledge of selective apologetics.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Prominent July 2012 Thoughts
I think being passionate about anything is a sign that I'm not yet within the grips of depression.
That being said, I am not sure how long I can stay positive about my current situation. It is nibbling away at me slowly, day by day.
To get my mind off things, it helps for me to exercise. I did the Pikes Peak Hillclimb last week and it felt great...until I got home.
I went out and did a ride from Aspen, Colorado to Independence Pass. Two hour drive one way, the climb, spent some time at the top, the descent, then a two hour drive back home. I enjoyed the majority of that day...until I got home.
In similar fashion to my world crashing down on my in 2010, I have taken on an attitude of fixing myself so that I may not lose those I love most. I am much more alone this time. I listen to the thick silence in my house. I try and avoid it, but it doesn't matter how long I leave or occupy my mind. One minute of the unusual silence is long enough to make null and void any attempt to distract myself from it.
This isn't like being at Tech. School, or being deployed or going to Basic Training. I had purpose there, I was where I was supposed to be, and my family was anxiously awaiting my completion.
SIDENOTE:
Before I forget. I have been following a post over on Millennial Star where Geoff B. is an active participant (I talked about him before in a blog post and how his intolerance of others drives people away).
Today, attempting to participate in this particular blogpost, I was, without warning, moderated of all commenting. They would not post my comments at all, nor would they email me explaining why. Geoff B. in my opinion is a poison. His smug arrogance and closed-mindedness is shown in his hand time and time again. He drives people away from having a good discussion where differing opinions meet head on, yet mutually strive for a deeper level of understanding. Geoff B. epitomizes what is wrong with "fundamentalists" and their agenda to silence and kill all who think for themselves, think outside the box, and simply ask "Why?".
I discourage anyone to participate in any of the blogs he actively participates in.
This is my passion for the day, specifically the passion of anger toward another digital personality.
END SIDENOTE
Anyway.
I met with Scott Andrews this last week. He wants to meet weekly for now. He is the Lifestar counselor. I enjoyed the first meeting, but it was mostly my back story. We have yet to see the "meat and potatoes" type of sessions before he gets a good grasp of who I am and where I am.
Him and exercise are really the only good things going for me right now. Everything else is just noise. I interact with plenty of people, but at the end of the day, it ends up being just noise. Nothing really matters to me if I have to come home to an empty house. I know what some of you may think as well. This is part of the process. I have to realize what I had before I can enjoy them as a blessing again. I don't know how I feel about that sentiment.
Also, leaving me alone to figure things out, not to mention taking my children away from me without good reason is not something I necessarily agree with. I love my children and all parties involved know I love my children. I think not seeing them for any period of time that is abnormal is horrendous if my military duty is not getting in the way. I just need THAT sentiment to be public.
It has been really hard for me to embrace the "suspect only" role, while others play "victim only". I realize the overall picture. I get it. But to establish a baseline that I don't agree with, and try and build off of it will only come back to haunt us all. Why do you remember only the hurtful things I say in the heat of the moment? Why can't you remember some of the things I say that make me vulnerable, ready to let you in completely, only to have that moment ignored? Why do you embrace the victim role so willingly and easily? Sometimes I think it is what you want; for me to be the monster so that you can have decisions made for you.
Why does this happen? Why is it 2012 and only now are professionals wrapping their heads around this problem that has been plaguing society since societies began? Why is my life the way it is? Why do my last energies, before I allow depression to wrap around me, focus on these themes?
That being said, I am not sure how long I can stay positive about my current situation. It is nibbling away at me slowly, day by day.
To get my mind off things, it helps for me to exercise. I did the Pikes Peak Hillclimb last week and it felt great...until I got home.
I went out and did a ride from Aspen, Colorado to Independence Pass. Two hour drive one way, the climb, spent some time at the top, the descent, then a two hour drive back home. I enjoyed the majority of that day...until I got home.
In similar fashion to my world crashing down on my in 2010, I have taken on an attitude of fixing myself so that I may not lose those I love most. I am much more alone this time. I listen to the thick silence in my house. I try and avoid it, but it doesn't matter how long I leave or occupy my mind. One minute of the unusual silence is long enough to make null and void any attempt to distract myself from it.
This isn't like being at Tech. School, or being deployed or going to Basic Training. I had purpose there, I was where I was supposed to be, and my family was anxiously awaiting my completion.
SIDENOTE:
Before I forget. I have been following a post over on Millennial Star where Geoff B. is an active participant (I talked about him before in a blog post and how his intolerance of others drives people away).
Today, attempting to participate in this particular blogpost, I was, without warning, moderated of all commenting. They would not post my comments at all, nor would they email me explaining why. Geoff B. in my opinion is a poison. His smug arrogance and closed-mindedness is shown in his hand time and time again. He drives people away from having a good discussion where differing opinions meet head on, yet mutually strive for a deeper level of understanding. Geoff B. epitomizes what is wrong with "fundamentalists" and their agenda to silence and kill all who think for themselves, think outside the box, and simply ask "Why?".
I discourage anyone to participate in any of the blogs he actively participates in.
This is my passion for the day, specifically the passion of anger toward another digital personality.
END SIDENOTE
Anyway.
I met with Scott Andrews this last week. He wants to meet weekly for now. He is the Lifestar counselor. I enjoyed the first meeting, but it was mostly my back story. We have yet to see the "meat and potatoes" type of sessions before he gets a good grasp of who I am and where I am.
Him and exercise are really the only good things going for me right now. Everything else is just noise. I interact with plenty of people, but at the end of the day, it ends up being just noise. Nothing really matters to me if I have to come home to an empty house. I know what some of you may think as well. This is part of the process. I have to realize what I had before I can enjoy them as a blessing again. I don't know how I feel about that sentiment.
Also, leaving me alone to figure things out, not to mention taking my children away from me without good reason is not something I necessarily agree with. I love my children and all parties involved know I love my children. I think not seeing them for any period of time that is abnormal is horrendous if my military duty is not getting in the way. I just need THAT sentiment to be public.
It has been really hard for me to embrace the "suspect only" role, while others play "victim only". I realize the overall picture. I get it. But to establish a baseline that I don't agree with, and try and build off of it will only come back to haunt us all. Why do you remember only the hurtful things I say in the heat of the moment? Why can't you remember some of the things I say that make me vulnerable, ready to let you in completely, only to have that moment ignored? Why do you embrace the victim role so willingly and easily? Sometimes I think it is what you want; for me to be the monster so that you can have decisions made for you.
Why does this happen? Why is it 2012 and only now are professionals wrapping their heads around this problem that has been plaguing society since societies began? Why is my life the way it is? Why do my last energies, before I allow depression to wrap around me, focus on these themes?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Before I forget
I really wanted to write all my thoughts down from my conversation with Andy before I would forget much of them. For some reason, I felt a lot of resolve and determination from talking to him, even while at the same time feeling overwhelming hopelessness. Andy would start talking about a topic and end up talking about one topic for 30 minutes, maybe more, always remembering to get to a point. I found much validity in my intellectual endeavors as well as my emotional train-wreck within my older brother. I felt, through talking and mostly listening to him, that everything my life is, even though much of it is swallowed up in guilt and regret, was validated. Someone validated my life.
Something else I realized - more remembered - while listening to Andy. One big thing has eluded me my whole life: The Atonement. Now before we move on, I would like to say that intellectually I have studied it plenty. This one gospel topic is more important than any other when it comes to application though. I also want to say that the Atonement is applied to us whether we seek it or not. On that level, I concede the point that the atonement hasn't eluded me. In retrospect, I have not done my part as much as I should have in seeking to apply it through the proper channels. Because of this, I feel hopeless.
I really wanted to just record our conversation. Andy went through so many gospel principles and talked about them so concisely that I felt we were taking a tour of the Grand Canyon from the top, stopping at principles along the edge, peering over to see the depth and how it is connected to all the other principles in the gospel, then we would move on.
It's funny, he called me after a meeting to tell me about the meeting. I was getting ready to go find a new bottle of wine to try. I ended up not going and rather coming up with one resolution to not drink alcohol anymore. We didn't even specifically talk about me drinking alcohol. I also resolved to not drink coffee or tea any longer. Andy and I talked about the evolution of the Word of Wisdom and he agreed with me, giving me validity, that D&C 89 isn't physically a code of health. He agreed with me that alcohol, coffee and tea are actually healthy, with coffee much healthier than caffeinated soda. This was just one example (albeit a bigger one) that gave me what I needed. I needed to hear it from a close friend, a family member and a faithful, active Mormon. I don't get that. I have separated myself from family and I think it has been more detrimental than I realize.
Andy also spoke of Dad in new light. Andy went to Dad often with questions and Dad got him through many things. In one way, I wish Andy would have shared that with me at the time. I will never forget a Priesthood meeting where our Stake President - Roger Fluhman - encouraged us to go to our fathers with whatever was bothering us. Open up to him, talk to him, let him know what is on your mind. After that, I was never closer to letting my Dad share the weight of my porn addiction. Maybe if I had known about Andy's experience, I may have closed that last bit of hesitation. I don't see reason behind everything that happens in our lives. Right now I refuse to admit that there was a reason for my porn problem, and that there was a reason I never went to my Dad. These and dozens of other moments in my life I would not hesitate to go back and change. Of course, I don't need to find reasons for life events before I can find more room in my life for the Atonement.
Another validity was the thinking side of me. I always knew Andy did thinking similar to me. We had many of the same experiences coming across things either in Church history, Christianity, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, etc. where what we read was equivalent to someone pulling the testimonial rug out from under us, but there was no floor under the rug. We fell. We fell in a hole. We would figure out somehow that the rug we were standing on wasn't worth its weight and find other rugs to stand on, only to have those pulled out as well. We have both gone through many of the same rugs, always learning, always somehow figuring out how to climb back up.
All in all, I suppose his phone call was what I needed. I still don't know what will happen to my marriage. I don't know how long it will be before my life is something I am happy with. We all have to take it one step at a time though, right? I also regret joining the military. I have enjoyed the experience, but I think it has had a great negative impact on my life, and that of my family.
Something else I realized - more remembered - while listening to Andy. One big thing has eluded me my whole life: The Atonement. Now before we move on, I would like to say that intellectually I have studied it plenty. This one gospel topic is more important than any other when it comes to application though. I also want to say that the Atonement is applied to us whether we seek it or not. On that level, I concede the point that the atonement hasn't eluded me. In retrospect, I have not done my part as much as I should have in seeking to apply it through the proper channels. Because of this, I feel hopeless.
I really wanted to just record our conversation. Andy went through so many gospel principles and talked about them so concisely that I felt we were taking a tour of the Grand Canyon from the top, stopping at principles along the edge, peering over to see the depth and how it is connected to all the other principles in the gospel, then we would move on.
It's funny, he called me after a meeting to tell me about the meeting. I was getting ready to go find a new bottle of wine to try. I ended up not going and rather coming up with one resolution to not drink alcohol anymore. We didn't even specifically talk about me drinking alcohol. I also resolved to not drink coffee or tea any longer. Andy and I talked about the evolution of the Word of Wisdom and he agreed with me, giving me validity, that D&C 89 isn't physically a code of health. He agreed with me that alcohol, coffee and tea are actually healthy, with coffee much healthier than caffeinated soda. This was just one example (albeit a bigger one) that gave me what I needed. I needed to hear it from a close friend, a family member and a faithful, active Mormon. I don't get that. I have separated myself from family and I think it has been more detrimental than I realize.
Andy also spoke of Dad in new light. Andy went to Dad often with questions and Dad got him through many things. In one way, I wish Andy would have shared that with me at the time. I will never forget a Priesthood meeting where our Stake President - Roger Fluhman - encouraged us to go to our fathers with whatever was bothering us. Open up to him, talk to him, let him know what is on your mind. After that, I was never closer to letting my Dad share the weight of my porn addiction. Maybe if I had known about Andy's experience, I may have closed that last bit of hesitation. I don't see reason behind everything that happens in our lives. Right now I refuse to admit that there was a reason for my porn problem, and that there was a reason I never went to my Dad. These and dozens of other moments in my life I would not hesitate to go back and change. Of course, I don't need to find reasons for life events before I can find more room in my life for the Atonement.
Another validity was the thinking side of me. I always knew Andy did thinking similar to me. We had many of the same experiences coming across things either in Church history, Christianity, the Bible, the Book of Mormon, etc. where what we read was equivalent to someone pulling the testimonial rug out from under us, but there was no floor under the rug. We fell. We fell in a hole. We would figure out somehow that the rug we were standing on wasn't worth its weight and find other rugs to stand on, only to have those pulled out as well. We have both gone through many of the same rugs, always learning, always somehow figuring out how to climb back up.
All in all, I suppose his phone call was what I needed. I still don't know what will happen to my marriage. I don't know how long it will be before my life is something I am happy with. We all have to take it one step at a time though, right? I also regret joining the military. I have enjoyed the experience, but I think it has had a great negative impact on my life, and that of my family.
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