I want my daddy.

Why do humans long for the smiling face and happy memory of those close to us that are gone? Why do I dream of my father, where we are as we used to be, living out a familiar scene, set in our familiar ways, going about our familiar business?  My emotional state spits in my "secular" face, telling me that it refuses to lay to to rest my daddy who ceased to be my daddy back in 2008...long before November.  Yet, why do I long for his smiling, lucid, coherent consciousness?  Why do I not replace him with my ten-year old, or my newborn? Does his memory mean something more than nostalgia?  How do I reconcile Agnosticism with the religious culture I grew up with?  Where is that happy medium?  I want god to be a factor in my life - whether neutral, negative or positive - but as a human, being told to rely on strict obedience and the "Holy Ghost" among a dozen other organized religious factors, I cannot hope among all possible dreams, to be able to be worthy of what this mormon culture expects me to be, to be able to receive coherent communication from some supernatural source as to navigate this telestial realm god has placed me inside of.  So my question remains:  why do I long for the smiling, familiar embodiment of my father, who is over five years past?  Why can I not watch a movie where the theme of mortality exists and the memory of my father does not?  I remain a tortured soul, damned in mortality to live out these temporal days longing for temporal things.  Longing for long lost dreams, as if they would cure my present demons, when it reality, they would only side with those once familiar faces, now alienated by reason and logic.  How can one live in a world encouraged to embrace both the illogical and logical.  Both reason and irrational?  Ultimately, the loudest, yet most magnetizing voice wins the day and I sit here with the same question I started with: Why do I long for the memory of my smiling, lucid father?